Moving Out At 19!

Hi lovelies! I'm Backkkkk
just kidding that was totally creepy ,but I am back for good now! This hot mess has officially got her crazy life in order. so I was gone for a little while because I was working through some pretty serious stuff but I'm back and better than ever baby. As you can probably tell from the title of this blog post I'm moving out! here's the thing though I'm only moving out for seven months! I applied for an internship at Walt Disney World under the Disney College Program, essentially this means that I will be working in Disney world while taking online classes on the weekends so I don't fail out of school , I got the job of Full service food and beverage which is essentially a glorified hosting job but its in Disney world so I'm fairly pumped. I don't think I've ever needed anything more than this seven months of independence and freedom. Ill be living in an apartment with my five other roommates and I cant wait. If you're wondering what made me decide to make this jump into moving states away that I can tell you. My ex boyfriend came back into my life and things just started going crazy from there. I will always love my ex nothing he does or says will make me change my mind about that as much as I would love to hate him I cant. So We went through the typical crazy fights and equally crazy declarations of love before I realized I could do it anymore. I needed a way out away from everyone and everything. My sister recommended the program and here I am packing my bags to leave in January. it's going to be really hard to get over my ex but the distance will help loads. As for my family I'll miss them like crazy but se of the appearance of my ex I've been awful to them just angry and bitter. They understand that I have to do this but that doesn't mean there supportive. They worry about my grades and are basically counting on me not finishing the program and coming home early. Now my lovely followers that's not going to happen. This birdy needs her wings. So that's all for today I love you all and don't forget to smile.

Confessions Of A Suicidal Teenager

                                            What a corny title right? I feel like Lindsay Lohan, while I am messed up I don't think I've reached that stage of my life ...yet. So I guess I should start this blog post off with a disclaimer. I currently am doing very well and the stories in this blog post are from my past and although it has taken time I feel as though my life is moving forward and I want to help others understand that there not alone. I'm nineteen years old and I'm currently attending my second year of college as an elementary education major, I have beautiful friends and an amazing plan for the future. It wasn't always like this though. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, this basically means that if I'm put in situations involving other people I get tense and nervous and my stomach starts to twist. More than likely I break down in tears and feel very intimidated. Let it be known this is not something I can control , No one does anything to prompt this feeling this situation is all mine and I have to learn to handle it on my own. So for anyone who has gone to high school, you know social situations are the foundation of high school. The downward spiral all begin my freshman year of high school. Walking into the huge building holding all the people I grew up with and more I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. I didn't want to join clubs, I didn't want to do group projects and I didn't want to eat lunch with anyone choosing to stay after class on my own to work on homework or school projects. Because of this I lost most of my friends my freshman year. I would go home expecting to be supported and comforted by my family but they just didn't understand. How could they understand? My older sister was in every club possible and had the biggest group of friends I had ever seen. I finished my freshman year basically friendless and very lonely. My sophomore year was different. I got a job, I spent half of my day at an arts school and I had a solid group of friends. you would think I would be much happier and that I would no longer feel that tugging ache in my chest. Not true. I was over worked and I was constantly showing a fake side to my new friends so they wouldn't see that I was absolutely losing my mind. It was exhausting. This year was the first year I considered suicide. I'm not sure if it was suicide, all I know is I wanted to go to sleep for a very long time and never wake up. There were times when I thought I was going absolutely insane. I wanted to live but I also didn't want to live. I wanted to be a mother and a wife and I thought about the house that I would buy when I'm older but I also thought about just stopping everything and taking a break from living. Junior year, I dropped out of my arts school because I felt like I wasn't good enough, I kept my job and my group of friends but I felt drained all the time, I had to plan for college and maintain my group of friends while still preparing for the school musical. I knew everyone was going through the same thing but why did I feel like I was drowning? No one noticed , I laughed with my friends and played with my dogs, I told corny jokes and I sang along with my friends. Senior year it got better. I was still working my job but now I felt grateful for the money I was making instead of overwhelmed, I had new friends who understood what I was going through and I had landed a lead In my senior year show. The thoughts were still there but they were more quiet and I could focus on other things. Towards the end of my year I could breathe. The anxiety was still there and I know it always will be but growing up I feel like I can handle it much better. I have a future now and I feel loved all the time. I have a new job that allows me to be grateful for the life I have. I know how hard it can be to keep moving forward. I know it takes time and I know that you feel hopeless and unloved, and I wont lie to you and tell you that its okay because its not right now, but you have to think how much better it will get. It can only go up. You will find that happiness you need. Someone will love you because they see what you don't. You're not alone in the way you feel, I went through it and I came out alive and breathing and I expect to see you come out on the other side breathing as well. So that's it for me. Just keep breathing and don't forget to smile.

My Breakup.

http://youtu.be/tVo7MzMb7tA

Perfect Summer Makeup!

Hello beautiful boys and girls! So today I thought I would do a blog post on what type of makeup is best suited for the summer time! 

Ok so first things first! 

Ditch the foundation! Foundation in the summertime is a definitive no. Foundation melts off your face so easily and in the summer the sun can be killer. Also foundation provides little to no protection against the harsh rays of the sun. (You also can't tan under pounds of face makeup either) 

Go for a BB cream I use maybellines BB cream in my shade. This helps your face look dewey and less cakey but also has built in sun block! 

here's one thing I can't skip no matter what the season is. 

Liquid Eyeliner! I know this awful because this melts off as well but I still love it, to prevent some of that runny black makeup face use an eyelid primer. I get mine from elf for three dollars$$$

Eyelid primer also keeps your eyeshadow on!

In the summer I prefer to go for a lighter look such as soft pinks and shimmery golds when it comes to eyeshadow shimmery colors look especially good because of the way that sun will hit your eyeshadow and make it look like your eyes are sparkling! 

Blush is a must in the summer it adds depth to your face without looking sunburnt like a tomato!!

A simple lip gloss will make you look effortlessly gorgeous I prefer a clear one just so my lips have that shine. 

If your going out at night summertime is the time to wear bright red lipstick.

Overall summer is a time to experiment with fun colors and soft features when it comes to makeup. So have fun and be simple! Have an awesome day and don't forget to smile. 

#effyourbeautystandards

Today a little girl in fourth grade cried to me telling me the boys in her school made fun of her and told her she couldn't get a boyfriend because she isn't "sexy" fourth grade. Sexy should not be in any fourth graders vocabulary. She asked me what she had to do to become more sexy. I didn't even know how to answer that question. But I explained to her that you're only sexy when you feel most comfortable in being yourself. I feel ten times sexier when I take a silly selfie rather than a pouty or flirty selfie. So to keep the chain of helping little girls and boys accept themselves and feel comfortable in there bodies post a picture of yourself doing whatever makes you feel sexy. Be that smiling, pouting or completely cheesing out like me and hashtag the photo #effyourbeautystandards thank you all so much😍😍👍🏼😘

How to pick the perfect lipstick shade!

 Hello beautiful boys and girls! 

So today we're talking about lipstick! Okay so maybe boys aren't really interested in this blog post. Unless you are which is awesome! And ladies lets face it boys do have pretty beautiful lips ;)

Anyway back to the post! 

Picking a shade of lipstick that works really well for you is actually really hard! Although some people ( yes I'm talking to you) can just pick any shade and they look like a Mary Kay model.

Here are a few tips! 

Girl with darker hair should go for a darker lip such as a maroon or a deep red. The darker colors make you look more sophisticated and classy. 

A dark red lip is always a good thing for any hair color. 

A bright pink should only be worn in the summer or spring and usually looks better on girls with lighter hair because the light soft color of the hair allows for a brighter color! 

Black lipstick isn't really my thing but if you're going to wear it you've gotta go all out and wear all black! 

Pastel colored lips always remind me of Barbie dolls and they can be super fun in the summer, but I don't know if there the most serious looking lip shades. 

Nude lipstick is a new trend now. I have no clue why. It just looks like you accidentally put foundation all over your lips. 

Super super light lipstick makes you look like you just ate a powdered donut. (Yum!)

Be careful with your top lip when applying lipstick never go over the dent in the middle! 

After you apply lipstick stick your thumb in your mouth and blow out like you're blowing up a balloon, this will prevent lipstick from going on your teeth and get any excess off! 

If you're going to take lipstick off use a wet napkin or paper towel without water the lipstick will go all over you're face and you'll find it in new places in the morning. 

Never wear lipstick if you plan on kissing anyone that night! No matter what the label says it will get on your partner and it may be cute at the moment but not so much when he spends 20 minutes scrubbing it off his face! 

Okay that's it for today! Have an awesome night and don't forget to smile! 

Being insecure during Sex!

Hi beautiful boys and girls! So today's blog post is something that's super important to me! I, like many other young adults always dreaded taking about the S word. And no I'm not talking about salad, even though that is also something I always steered clear from talking about  :p any way I'm talking about sex. 

Sex is one of those things everyone's afraid to talk about because of all the negative connotations linked to it. In actuality sex is a beautiful thing.

I'm nineteen years old and just a few months ago I lost my virginity.

I am very fortunate to have been with someone special to me and I definitely think waiting was a good idea regarding my maturity level. 

Any way I was so afraid to have sex. Not because I was afraid that it would hurt or that I didn't want to lose my virginity but because I was too afraid to let anyone see my body.

I considered my options of course 

1. Turn off all the lights.

2. Keep my shirt on the whole time

3.Tell him I didn't like to be touched on my stomach or legs

4.Stay a virgin

Now all of these things are 100% fine and if you are more comfortable with these things take control and make them happen butttt...

None of your faults and fears matter. You're insecurities have absolutely no impact on the way sex goes down. 

Your partner does not care about the fact that you have love handles or that your thighs jiggle. He's not thinking about your muffin top. 

They chose to have sex with you. They like the way you look or they wouldn't be sleeping with you at all! 

Boys can be turned on no matter what you look like! 

Being nervous is only going to make it more uncomfortable and painful for you, so relax and let yourself enjoy the feeling don't think about all your insecurities. If you show whoever you're sleeping with that youre confident I guarantee you they will be more turned on than they would be if you had a smaller waist or less junk in your trunk. 

FYI: boys actually like a little more lovin. It makes them feel more comfortable and secure. So love your body and let others love it too! Okay that's it for this post! Have an amazing day and don't forget to smile!

My biggest fear!

Hello beautiful boys & girls! 

So I know , I know it's been ages since I've posted. Not a lot of people read my blog but for the lovely ones who do I'm super sorry! So much has been going on!   But that's no excuse! This blog is important to me and I really should keep it up, I need to stop being so afraid of posting. Speaking of fears (smmoooootttthhhh transition there Erika)  I thought I'd make this blog post to talk about some of my biggest fears.

Everyone's afraid of something right? I had a friend who was terrified of dumpsters because she thought squirrels would jump out of them. Now my fears are a little bit more rational. 

I hate birds. 

I do not like any type of bird. At all. The thought of standing close to one actually makes my butt shake with fear.

I am that girl who screams like an idiot and hides behind someone when one flutters it's stupid wings past my head. I have no hidden background story as to why  I'm scared. I just cannot deal with winged, feathered demon creatures. 

 That is my main fear of course I have others such as, bugs and dying and losing a friend. But everyone has those fears. Being afraid of something is natural it makes you human. So be like me and be absolutely terrified of something. Scream like a girl. Find some big tough guy to stand behind and let yourself be afraid it's pretty exhilarating actually! Anyway that's it for today! I hope you have an amazing day and don't forget to smile! 

Living life the best you can.

 

Hello beautiful boys and girls! So this blog post isn't meant to be sad at all, I'm actually writing this to encourage people to be happy! But if this does make you just a little sad I'm sorry and I hope you can look on the bright side of this post! So just three days ago a boy that I went to school with all throughout my life was in a motorcycle accident and died. He was only 19 but he had two beautiful children. Granted I was never best friends with this boy, I did have my fair share of conversations with him, that now knowing he's gone I will never.          forget. The first time I saw him was in sixth grade he was in my math help support group. He didn't hang out with a crowd I would normally hang out with, but when I tell you he was smart , I mean he was smarrtttt. Not in the book sense but in the way that he always knew the exact thing to say when you needed it said. We never directly spoke he just made jokes that I would laugh at and he would smile and do his work. The first time he spoke to me was in eighth grade when he over heard me talking about liking a boy who didn't like me back I was being the typical dramatic teenager and he turned to me in his seat and said " well then he's not worth it, find a boy who actually likes you, you're pretty but don't be stupid." And that was all he said. I was frustrated with him and went home that day and moaned to my mom about how he insulted me as I got older I now know he was just trying to talk sense into me. Eventually I didn't need the math help anymore and I didn't see him at all because of our different social groups. In high school we spoke a few times and he was still that wise, sweet boy who talked me out of going out with that that boy in eighth grade. Although we were never that close and I haven't talked to him for a few years I will miss Matt, he was too young and too kind to go so soon. I encourage all of you to tell your family and your friends that you love them and give that person who you normally wouldn't speak to a chance. One person can change your life. Even the small impact Matt left on mine has really caused me to think of how grateful I am for everything I have and for the fact that I'm still here. So please live your life as much as you can do, you can make amazing things happen just by saying one sentence to someone you normally wouldn't even speak to. So anyway have an amazing day and don't forget to smile.

I'm home!

Hello beautiful boys and girls! So I am officially home for the summer! I'm out of my first year of college and I'm home until August! Basically what that means is, I'm going to be posting on my blog allloootttt more. This blog is kind of an awesome outlet where I can share cool stuff with you guys and learn amazing things from you guys!  so I can't wait to take better advantage of that. Just going through some of your posts makes me smile and I love that, because I'm a smiler😏 anyway! On that note have an amazing day and don't forget to smile!

Makeup of the Day!

Hello beautiful boys &girls so today I thought I would do something a little bit different! It's a makeup of the day! So for today I'm actually going out so I thought I'd do a little bit more of a dramatic look! I went for a black smokey eye. And a red lip! Here are the products I used. There all fairly cheap and you can get most of them at a drug store! Except my lipstick that's from sephora! ( treat yo self) 

1. My eye pallete! Its actually called the "smoky" pallete from Walmart it was 16$ and is my ultimate go to! 

2. For my liquid liner I use a "stilla liquid liner" 7$ also from Walmart. 

3. My foundation is "maybeline BB cream"  I got that at Cvs for 12$ 

4.my blush is "tarte" light pink at Walmart for 12$ 

5.my mascara is "scandal eyes" for 7$ at Walmart.

6.my kohl liner for the bottom of my eyes is "elf" that was 1$ at target. 

So that's basically my makeup for a more dramatic look. Have an amazing day and don't forget to smile! 

Body Beautiful Sunday

Hello beautiful boys and girls! 

So I am officially declaring Sunday "Body Beautiful Sunday"

Every Sunday you need to sit back and think of three beautiful parts of your body that either you, or someone else loves.

Now this can be on your physical body or on your face, a feature that you like, or something you have been complimented on! Now I know this might take some time to really think about but I promise it will make your entire day! Okay so here are my three! 

1. My ankles are small! They look rocking' in a good pair of heels!

2. My nose is just like my dads! Every time I look in the mirror I see my dad!

3. My waist looks good tied up with a belt! 

Alright your turn! Have an awesome day! And don't forget to smile! 

Spring Season Style for Curvy Girls!

                                           Hello Beautiful boys & girls! Its officially spring!
Spring is the season where you drop the heavy sweaters and winter coats. Growing up I hated spring because it meant I couldn't cover up my body with layers to hide my size! Now I own my body and every single thing I'm self conscious about I embrace. That doesn't mean there isn't ways to draw attention to the features on your body your more comfortable with. In this blog post I'll show all my lovely curvy girls how to dress for spring while enhancing our beautiful bodies.

Arms!
Because its warm tank tops and t-shirts are definitely more popular, and if you're like me your upper arms can be a kind of insecure area. My main tips for this area are:
half sleeves! these don't show off the tops of your arms where you store most of your fat and they look super classy! plus  they'll keep you pretty cool!
tank tops with thicker straps! These will keep everything looking tight and make it super breezy!

Tummy!
If you're like me then this is definitely the most insecure part! In spring the crop tops start coming out and we all know that that just isn't comfortable for curvy girls with a little tummy. my personal favorite type of shirt to wear in the spring is a flowy baby doll top with a cinched waist. or a super loose  casual t-shirt!

Thighs!
Shorts, the bane of our existence. I have never liked shorts ever. In my personal preference I have always opted for a comfortable flowy high waisted  skirt! cinching it with a belt really shows off your waist! Never let anyone tell you you cant wear a maxi dress, Those suckers look amazing on anyone ! a maxi dress can be classy or totally casual! Also if you want to wear short but are self conscious of your thighs , cellulite, extra lovin, Try the tights approach. wear black or colored tights under your shorts. It hides any imperfections and looks pretty fashionable!

 

 

Accessories!
wearing jewelery! this takes attention off anything you don't want people to be looking at! Wedges are now totally acceptable because its spring! these elongate your legs making them look more toned and slim! hats! I personally love big floppy sun hats! these look good on anyone and are just super fun to wear! Its spring, you don't have to wear all blacks and neutral colors. You're supposed to wear bright colors! all that really matters is how you carry yourself and that you're comfortable and confident in your clothing! be you and be beautiful! and don't forget to smile!

A few of my Favorite Spring Outfits!

Prom!

                                                               Don't forget to smile!

My Relationship With My Mother

Ok so This blog post is going to be a kind of ranty blog post about my dysfunctional relationship with my mother, so If you don't like reading kind of sad/ kind of happy posts, I would scroll away now. Scroll away now, scroll as fast as you can! ;)
                              Anyway My relationship with my mother isn't particularly...good. If you haven't noticed already I'm a fairly messed up young adult with quite a few issues of my own, one of the most prevalent being my terrible, terrible anxiety. So what I'm trying to say is some of what my mom does and doesn't do is partially my fault as well, because, what can I say I'm just a basket of wacky all around. I've always been incredibly insecure about my body and my face and all that good stuff so I've always been told by counselors and family members that you're mother is the one you should talk to about these problems because she will understand. NEWSFLASH: she doesn't. my mom is a size two with the body of a supermodel ( there goes me ever taking her wedding dress) and she always has been therefore she doesn't really understand what its like to have body issues. I don't blame her for that how could I? What I do blame her for is the way she addresses the issues of her daughter. When I would go to her with a problem she would tell me I had to exercise and stop eating crap. I know its naïve but I just wanted her to tell me that I was beautiful the way that I was. My mom also didn't know how to handle my anxiety, she didn't seem to realize that four straight hours of yelling at me about my grades and how I didn't clean my closet didn't really do much to calm me down. As I got older She got worse. When I turned 18 she began telling me I didn't have to live in HER house and that if I was so unhappy I could just leave. It was really rough getting called at college and told you couldn't come home this weekend because she found her shirt in your dresser. Things aren't always bad. when she has her good days things are great, we'll bake together, go shopping or even just watch a movie. She's not a bad person. Not at all. I don't think my mother knows how to handle me, I don't think she ever will. I hope one day when I get older that I  can understand her more and maybe we can have the type of relationship I see all my friends experiencing. Any way that's all for my ranty blog post. I love you all and don't forget to smile!

Love the Unloved

                                                                    
                                                            Hello Beautiful boys & girls!
                             So todays blog posts theme is.... Loving the Unloved! I know, it sounds like some terrible 80s movie soundtrack, but none the less its a pretty awesome motto! Every single person has had a moment in there life where they have felt totally alone and that no one loves them. It could be twenty seconds or twenty years it doesn't matter. I don't completely mean feeling abandoned or hated. For example, getting a good grade on a test and having it brushed off by everyone around you. What no one realizes is that you never study but you studied for hours to get that grade. Or hearing your family compliment your sibling about how great they look when you tried just as hard to look decent. What about trying to tell a story or a joke and having everyone speak over you? These may not seem like moments that would alter your life entirely, but those small moments of feeling totally insignificant can have lasting affects on you as a person. Then there's the big moments of feeling unloved. People have to deal with the pain of being completely abandoned by the people they thought they could trust. Some people even have to deal with constant humiliation by people who are supposed to love them calling them names and saying terrible things. This is where you come in! All the things I mentioned above are your perfect opportunity to love the unloved. The way to do this is so simple its stupid. 1. Listen! if you see someone being completely ignored listen to there story, even if you could care less a quick head nod and a smile isn't going to hurt anyone. 2. Compliment, Compliment, Compliment. Its really not difficult to give someone a compliment here's a list

• I love your hair!
• literally you always look so put together
• I wish I had your eyes
• you look nice today

So that is your challenge for today! make someone happy by loving the unloved. So that's all for today I love you all , and don't forget to smile.

A Best Friend is Someone Who Loves You When You Forget To Love Yourself.

                      Many people will walk out of your life but only true friends leave footprints on your heart                 
                                                   I am an incredibly stubborn girl. I grew up with a family where if you cross someone they are out of your life forever. When I turned 10 my dad got a tattoo on his wrist  that says "DTA" this essentially stands for Don't Trust Anyone. Because of my stubbornness I lost more friends than I can count. I learned from experience that fights & arguments happen and that is totally normal it just means that you and this other person are comfortable enough with each other to challenge there opinions. No healthy relationship is fight free. Having a best friend is basically like being married. You do everything together, you love each other and ultimately you fight like a couple. Being insecure is a major factor in the downfall of friendships. If you're not comfortable being around yourself, you wont be comfortable around anyone else. Okay that's it for this post. I love you all and don't forget to smile! 

                    Reasons to Smile Today

                                                 2.7 million puppies are adopted each year!
                               The smell of a newly opened box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch
               The only mammal that cant jump is the Elephant (I mean imagine an elephant jumping)
                                              Ordering a small drink and getting a large
                                       Waking up to the smell of rain after a bad storm
                                                 100% charge on your cell phone
                                  Lighting a bunch of candles when its snowing outside
                       When someone tries not to laugh and the corner of there mouth rises
                                              Peeling the green stuff off of corn
                                     Your absolute favorite meal served on your birthday
                                 Cows have best friends they spend there whole lives with
                  When male puppies play with female puppies they often let the female win.
There's a super hero with a hearing aid called Blue ear, created to help a boy with a hearing disorder

Who Am I?
My name is Erika Maria Pell, I'm 19, I'm 5'2 and I am probably the lamest blogger you will ever meet!  In all actuality that's probably not the most inviting way to introduce you to my blog but If you couldn't tell already, I'm fairly awkward and not in the charmingly adorable way. So back to the topic at hand, This is my first blog post! I figured it would be best to tell you all a little bit about my self. I live in quite possibly the smallest town in all of America population 5000. I grew up surrounded by love and support from my incredibly big family and close group of friends. But I still wasn't happy. I was born bigger, Chubbier as most adults would say. Bigger in the Honey booboo type of weight. At 10 years old I developed a severe form of Anxiety making it impossible for me to leave my house. I couldn't eat because I felt like I was being judged with every bite, I couldn't sleep because I was uncomfortable with the extra rolls I slept on in the middle of the night, I never made eye contact because I knew that If I looked up they would have no choice but to analyze my face and they would see my double chin. I tried diets but those would last two days if I was lucky and working out made me too embarrassed. Eventually though I grew up. I never really lost all my baby fat and there are still days when I look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted by my thighs and my big stomach. The fact that little girls and even younger boys have to grow up feeling the way that I did kills me. I want to help these people love themselves exactly the way that they are. I don't want anyone to feel that they have to change themselves for anyone except themselves. I am by no means over weight but I still felt that I was the biggest person in the world even if someone is over weight, you don't have to do anything, you do things because you want too. no matter what happens with this blog I want everyone who sees this know that I am here for them , no matter who you are.