What a corny title right? I feel like Lindsay Lohan, while I am messed up I don't think I've reached that stage of my life ...yet. So I guess I should start this blog post off with a disclaimer. I currently am doing very well and the stories in this blog post are from my past and although it has taken time I feel as though my life is moving forward and I want to help others understand that there not alone. I'm nineteen years old and I'm currently attending my second year of college as an elementary education major, I have beautiful friends and an amazing plan for the future. It wasn't always like this though. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, this basically means that if I'm put in situations involving other people I get tense and nervous and my stomach starts to twist. More than likely I break down in tears and feel very intimidated. Let it be known this is not something I can control , No one does anything to prompt this feeling this situation is all mine and I have to learn to handle it on my own. So for anyone who has gone to high school, you know social situations are the foundation of high school. The downward spiral all begin my freshman year of high school. Walking into the huge building holding all the people I grew up with and more I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. I didn't want to join clubs, I didn't want to do group projects and I didn't want to eat lunch with anyone choosing to stay after class on my own to work on homework or school projects. Because of this I lost most of my friends my freshman year. I would go home expecting to be supported and comforted by my family but they just didn't understand. How could they understand? My older sister was in every club possible and had the biggest group of friends I had ever seen. I finished my freshman year basically friendless and very lonely. My sophomore year was different. I got a job, I spent half of my day at an arts school and I had a solid group of friends. you would think I would be much happier and that I would no longer feel that tugging ache in my chest. Not true. I was over worked and I was constantly showing a fake side to my new friends so they wouldn't see that I was absolutely losing my mind. It was exhausting. This year was the first year I considered suicide. I'm not sure if it was suicide, all I know is I wanted to go to sleep for a very long time and never wake up. There were times when I thought I was going absolutely insane. I wanted to live but I also didn't want to live. I wanted to be a mother and a wife and I thought about the house that I would buy when I'm older but I also thought about just stopping everything and taking a break from living. Junior year, I dropped out of my arts school because I felt like I wasn't good enough, I kept my job and my group of friends but I felt drained all the time, I had to plan for college and maintain my group of friends while still preparing for the school musical. I knew everyone was going through the same thing but why did I feel like I was drowning? No one noticed , I laughed with my friends and played with my dogs, I told corny jokes and I sang along with my friends. Senior year it got better. I was still working my job but now I felt grateful for the money I was making instead of overwhelmed, I had new friends who understood what I was going through and I had landed a lead In my senior year show. The thoughts were still there but they were more quiet and I could focus on other things. Towards the end of my year I could breathe. The anxiety was still there and I know it always will be but growing up I feel like I can handle it much better. I have a future now and I feel loved all the time. I have a new job that allows me to be grateful for the life I have. I know how hard it can be to keep moving forward. I know it takes time and I know that you feel hopeless and unloved, and I wont lie to you and tell you that its okay because its not right now, but you have to think how much better it will get. It can only go up. You will find that happiness you need. Someone will love you because they see what you don't. You're not alone in the way you feel, I went through it and I came out alive and breathing and I expect to see you come out on the other side breathing as well. So that's it for me. Just keep breathing and don't forget to smile.
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