An Open Letter To My Seperated Parents

Dear Mom & Dad,

Please don't think I don't love you, understand that this is just as hard for me as it is for you.
Understand that all of your memories are all of mine as well.
Understand that when I cry or throw a fit and call you names it's because I'm coping with the loss of my family.
I do not want to lose either of you but I have to step away from the situation at times to cope on my own.
To my mother, I know that sometimes you are frightened to be in our house alone at night, but I am always here.
I know you look at your naked ring finger and cry yourself to sleep every night, understand I am one phone call away, no matter what time it is.
I know that sometimes it takes everything you have to not break down in tears when you see other married couples out to dinner while you are alone, but I am always willing to go with you wherever you choose to go.
I know the sight of his closet downstairs makes your heart ache and you want nothing more than to see him wear that same shirt you two always fought about, understand I am always here to take your mind off of it and put your focus on my crazy outfits.

To my father, I am so angry with you for changing my life but I still love you understand I will be angry for a very long time but that does not stop me from loving you.
I know you tried to keep things from me so not to hurt me because you love me but understand that it still hurts.
I know you have to move on with your life because of the choices you made but realize I am too old to accept this new life.
I know this is what you wanted and this is what you chose but I also know you hurt sometimes too thinking of the things you left behind.
I know it hurts you to not speak to me every day but I am coping as well, I am still here though thousands of miles away I am still here.

Please don't think I don't love you, understand that while I may be old enough to handle this on my own the thought of you both finding other people to love breaks my heart.
Understand that when I go to sleep every night everything has changed.
I no longer have one whole family I have two halves of a whole.
So while I am still here for both of you please understand that this whole situation has broken my heart and I need time.
While you two may move on and find new people to love I will never be able to move on and find a new family to have.
Things are hard for me but please understand I still love you.

A Letter To The Woman The Man I Love Loves.

To The Woman The Man I Love Loves, 

   If you are reading this letter he loves you in a way that I can only dream of, I am not writing this letter to make you feel sorry for me or to sway you from loving him the way he deserves I am simply writing this letter to tell you he needs you. He may not always tell you how he feels he may not even speak to you at all but understand having you there is enough. Hold him when he cries, kiss him when he feels lost, listen when he speaks about anything and everything, when he needs a friend be that friend when he needs a lover be that lover. He will get angry and so will you but never leave a fight with hateful words he will remember those longer than you think. When he tells you he doesn't care he's lying, he wouldn't waste his time fighting with you if he didn't care. You don't need to be perfect he isn't. If he says something to hurt you tell him, sometimes he doesn't realize what he says. He thinks you're beautiful not because of the way you put on your makeup but because of the way you hum when you put it on. He loves your hair , not because of the time  it took to straighten but because of the way you hide yourself behind it when he makes you laugh. He will forget your anniversary the first time but he won't forget when you tell him You love him in the middle of the night when the radio is quiet and your hands are twined together.  Most importantly what I want to tell you is thank you. Thank you for loving him the way he deserves, thank you for making him happy. thank you for being the woman the man I love loves. 

Moving Out At 19!

Hi lovelies! I'm Backkkkk
just kidding that was totally creepy ,but I am back for good now! This hot mess has officially got her crazy life in order. so I was gone for a little while because I was working through some pretty serious stuff but I'm back and better than ever baby. As you can probably tell from the title of this blog post I'm moving out! here's the thing though I'm only moving out for seven months! I applied for an internship at Walt Disney World under the Disney College Program, essentially this means that I will be working in Disney world while taking online classes on the weekends so I don't fail out of school , I got the job of Full service food and beverage which is essentially a glorified hosting job but its in Disney world so I'm fairly pumped. I don't think I've ever needed anything more than this seven months of independence and freedom. Ill be living in an apartment with my five other roommates and I cant wait. If you're wondering what made me decide to make this jump into moving states away that I can tell you. My ex boyfriend came back into my life and things just started going crazy from there. I will always love my ex nothing he does or says will make me change my mind about that as much as I would love to hate him I cant. So We went through the typical crazy fights and equally crazy declarations of love before I realized I could do it anymore. I needed a way out away from everyone and everything. My sister recommended the program and here I am packing my bags to leave in January. it's going to be really hard to get over my ex but the distance will help loads. As for my family I'll miss them like crazy but se of the appearance of my ex I've been awful to them just angry and bitter. They understand that I have to do this but that doesn't mean there supportive. They worry about my grades and are basically counting on me not finishing the program and coming home early. Now my lovely followers that's not going to happen. This birdy needs her wings. So that's all for today I love you all and don't forget to smile.

Confessions Of A Suicidal Teenager

                                            What a corny title right? I feel like Lindsay Lohan, while I am messed up I don't think I've reached that stage of my life ...yet. So I guess I should start this blog post off with a disclaimer. I currently am doing very well and the stories in this blog post are from my past and although it has taken time I feel as though my life is moving forward and I want to help others understand that there not alone. I'm nineteen years old and I'm currently attending my second year of college as an elementary education major, I have beautiful friends and an amazing plan for the future. It wasn't always like this though. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember, this basically means that if I'm put in situations involving other people I get tense and nervous and my stomach starts to twist. More than likely I break down in tears and feel very intimidated. Let it be known this is not something I can control , No one does anything to prompt this feeling this situation is all mine and I have to learn to handle it on my own. So for anyone who has gone to high school, you know social situations are the foundation of high school. The downward spiral all begin my freshman year of high school. Walking into the huge building holding all the people I grew up with and more I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. I didn't want to join clubs, I didn't want to do group projects and I didn't want to eat lunch with anyone choosing to stay after class on my own to work on homework or school projects. Because of this I lost most of my friends my freshman year. I would go home expecting to be supported and comforted by my family but they just didn't understand. How could they understand? My older sister was in every club possible and had the biggest group of friends I had ever seen. I finished my freshman year basically friendless and very lonely. My sophomore year was different. I got a job, I spent half of my day at an arts school and I had a solid group of friends. you would think I would be much happier and that I would no longer feel that tugging ache in my chest. Not true. I was over worked and I was constantly showing a fake side to my new friends so they wouldn't see that I was absolutely losing my mind. It was exhausting. This year was the first year I considered suicide. I'm not sure if it was suicide, all I know is I wanted to go to sleep for a very long time and never wake up. There were times when I thought I was going absolutely insane. I wanted to live but I also didn't want to live. I wanted to be a mother and a wife and I thought about the house that I would buy when I'm older but I also thought about just stopping everything and taking a break from living. Junior year, I dropped out of my arts school because I felt like I wasn't good enough, I kept my job and my group of friends but I felt drained all the time, I had to plan for college and maintain my group of friends while still preparing for the school musical. I knew everyone was going through the same thing but why did I feel like I was drowning? No one noticed , I laughed with my friends and played with my dogs, I told corny jokes and I sang along with my friends. Senior year it got better. I was still working my job but now I felt grateful for the money I was making instead of overwhelmed, I had new friends who understood what I was going through and I had landed a lead In my senior year show. The thoughts were still there but they were more quiet and I could focus on other things. Towards the end of my year I could breathe. The anxiety was still there and I know it always will be but growing up I feel like I can handle it much better. I have a future now and I feel loved all the time. I have a new job that allows me to be grateful for the life I have. I know how hard it can be to keep moving forward. I know it takes time and I know that you feel hopeless and unloved, and I wont lie to you and tell you that its okay because its not right now, but you have to think how much better it will get. It can only go up. You will find that happiness you need. Someone will love you because they see what you don't. You're not alone in the way you feel, I went through it and I came out alive and breathing and I expect to see you come out on the other side breathing as well. So that's it for me. Just keep breathing and don't forget to smile.

My Breakup.

http://youtu.be/tVo7MzMb7tA

Perfect Summer Makeup!

Hello beautiful boys and girls! So today I thought I would do a blog post on what type of makeup is best suited for the summer time! 

Ok so first things first! 

Ditch the foundation! Foundation in the summertime is a definitive no. Foundation melts off your face so easily and in the summer the sun can be killer. Also foundation provides little to no protection against the harsh rays of the sun. (You also can't tan under pounds of face makeup either) 

Go for a BB cream I use maybellines BB cream in my shade. This helps your face look dewey and less cakey but also has built in sun block! 

here's one thing I can't skip no matter what the season is. 

Liquid Eyeliner! I know this awful because this melts off as well but I still love it, to prevent some of that runny black makeup face use an eyelid primer. I get mine from elf for three dollars$$$

Eyelid primer also keeps your eyeshadow on!

In the summer I prefer to go for a lighter look such as soft pinks and shimmery golds when it comes to eyeshadow shimmery colors look especially good because of the way that sun will hit your eyeshadow and make it look like your eyes are sparkling! 

Blush is a must in the summer it adds depth to your face without looking sunburnt like a tomato!!

A simple lip gloss will make you look effortlessly gorgeous I prefer a clear one just so my lips have that shine. 

If your going out at night summertime is the time to wear bright red lipstick.

Overall summer is a time to experiment with fun colors and soft features when it comes to makeup. So have fun and be simple! Have an awesome day and don't forget to smile. 

#effyourbeautystandards

Today a little girl in fourth grade cried to me telling me the boys in her school made fun of her and told her she couldn't get a boyfriend because she isn't "sexy" fourth grade. Sexy should not be in any fourth graders vocabulary. She asked me what she had to do to become more sexy. I didn't even know how to answer that question. But I explained to her that you're only sexy when you feel most comfortable in being yourself. I feel ten times sexier when I take a silly selfie rather than a pouty or flirty selfie. So to keep the chain of helping little girls and boys accept themselves and feel comfortable in there bodies post a picture of yourself doing whatever makes you feel sexy. Be that smiling, pouting or completely cheesing out like me and hashtag the photo #effyourbeautystandards thank you all so much😍😍👍🏼😘